sit down and relax — Hey, do you think we can get a pixel of you in a...

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
orteil42

Anonymous asked:

Hey, do you think we can get a pixel of you in a shady overcoat, with something along the lines of "hey, kid! wanna play some cookie clicker?" like your game is some kind of addicting, life-destroying substance? (Because it is)

orteil42 answered:

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i tried but it’s kinda 6 am

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heckyeah-horseshoecrabs
fartgallery

so in 2010 i made a facebook event for my birthday party for this year, because i thought “haha wouldnt that be funny, 2018 is forever away!”. but now it is 2018, and my birthday is in 2 days.

people have been building the hype for the past 8 years

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and now im stressed cause i gotta deliver, i had 8 years to make plans and i procrastinated to the last minute. time makes fools of us all

fartgallery

The big day came and went. I knew I had to do something special so I turned the party into a SURPRISE MURDER MYSTERY! It’s long so check my twitter post for the whole thing but here are the highlights:

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At 10:48pm, I called everyone into my room. There had been a murder, and everybody was a suspect. Next to the body was a gun, and the party goers were quick to find the red fingerprints on it 

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They found red fingerprints on a balloon and popped it to find a receipt for gum inside. Someone had been passing out gum all night, however they claimed someone else gave them the gum first.

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the argument was going nowhere so we contacted the victims spirit. she led us to the REAL murder weapon: a 100% very real bottle of poison. my roommate claimed he saw someone earlier with that bottle, but before he could tell us…

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the power went out! and when it came back on…

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my roommate had been murdered! following the clues, we tracked down the true culprit to the bathroom, where he was trying to escape through the window

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with the murder successfully solved, the party goers were treated to this congratulatory message on the wall to forever commemorate their success. the other prize was that they didnt have to listen to my fake Savannah accent anymore

spongebobssquarepants
lordendsavior

“The double agent for the patriarchy is basically just a woman who perhaps unknowingly is still putting the patriarchal narrative out into the world. Is still benefitting off, profiting off and selling a patriarchal narrative to other women. But it’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You know, just because you look like a woman, we trust you and we think you’re on our side, but you are selling us something that really doesn’t make us feel good. You’re selling us an ideal, a body shape, a problem with our wrinkles, a problem with ageing, a problem with gravity, a problem with any kind of body fat. You’re selling us self-consciousness. The same poison that made you clearly develop some sort of body dysmorphia or facial dysmorphia, you are now pouring back into the world. You’re like recycling hatred. I find that really dangerous and I think it’s unacceptable and I don’t care if you’re a woman. I think constructive criticism is needed for anyone to ever evolve. For our gender to evolve we need some sort of constructive criticism. As long as we do it in a somewhat careful way. (…) So many of the worst things in the world have happened motivated by greed. And I just don’t think that’s an acceptable excuse anymore. How much money do you need? Really how much money do you need? How much money do any of these huge influencers who are worth millions or billions sometimes… why are they still promoting appetite-suppressant lollipops to young girls? And it’s not a fight against obesity. They have young, already slim girls, in their adverts for Flat Tummy company, this company that are absolutely everywhere, and they’re even being advertised in some of the most mainstream magazines, women’s magazines, and they have a billboard in Times Square. The money is built on the blood and tears of young women who believe in them, who follow them, who look up to them like the big sister they never had. It’s so upsetting and it feels like such a betrayal against women.”

Jameela Jamil explains why she thinks the Kardashians are “double agents for the patriarchy”

warmbath

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musicnerderys

WAOW

samthenifty
get-yr-social-work-rage-on get-yr-social-work-rage-on

my bf has many interesting stories and observations from his new job as a 911 operator

my favorite is how meandering people are, even in the midst of a terrible emergency

they respond to “what is the emergency” with “well, the thing is, four weeks ago–”

and then he’s like “WHAT IS THE EMERGENCY RIGHT NOW”

and they’re like “so what happened this morning was, i said to my wife, i said–”

“WHAT IS CURRENTLY HAPPENING AT THIS MOMENT”

“oh i’m having a heart attack”


my second favorite is how specific he has to get sometimes

like, “what is your emergency?”

“i’m sitting in a pool of blood.”

“… is it… your blood?”

“yes i think so”

“do you know where it’s coming from?”

“probably the stab wound”

“have you been stabbed?”

“oh yah definitely”

lizawithazed

In all fairness shock is a hell of a drug

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